The Survivors Club

I don't like Glen Beck. Is that ok? (Do I really need to tell you why? Come on. The guy could talk about musical theatre and I would turn the radio off. Have you seen THIS? A classic high school favorite recently re-introduced to me. Thanks, Melissa! That's Glen Beck to me. Just different words.)

You can imagine my shock when, part way into an enthralling book that Vic toted home in his pile of books from the library, I was told it came "highly recommended" by said yahoo. Well darn, no amount of loathing could persuade me to put it down. It's called The Survivors Club. And it's brilliant. Thanks, Glenny boy.

The book starts off by introducing its readers to the three rules of survival: 1) Everyone is a Survivor. 2) It's NOT all relative 3) You're Stronger Than You Know

Poignantly depicting these rules are stories of people heroically surviving insane tragedies. I'm talking falling 30,000 ft. out of an airplane onto a glacier, being stabbed by a wooden knitting needle through the sternum and into the heart (and then discovering acute stages of breast cancer during the surgery to remove the needle), to being attacked by a mountain lion. I would have never believed one could survive such tragedies. And then I think...look at me. I'm surviving a horrific tragedy. Though mine is not so outwardly physical as theirs, it is downright daunting and life-altering just the same.

A few interesting things have happened since Lucy died and people started reading our blog. One being that I receive emails from other survivors telling me of failing marriages, chronic illness, miscarriages, and of course death. Sometimes people approach me at church or around town and open up to me about their personal stories of survival. Almost always, however, they will say something along the lines of, "But it's nothing compared to what you're going through. I'm sorry to complain, etc." I want to say (and sometimes have), "But what you are going through IS important. It IS a big deal and I'm so sorry." Yes, sometimes illnesses go away, marriages are repaired, and other miracles wrought. But in the survival game of life, rule number 2 is in play. It's not all relative. To quote the from the book:

" When it comes to adversity, it's human nature to make comparisons. Which is worse? Getting trapped in the freezing Andes or accidentally killing your child? These questions are inevitable but lead nowhere. While some challenges appear to be more daunting or excruciating than others, if you're going through your own ordeal, it doesn't make any difference where it ranks on some imaginary Richter scale of survival.....Sure, adversity comes in many sizes and shapes, but if it's happening in YOUR life--if it's got your undivided attention--if that stakes matter to YOU--then contrasts are irrelevant. The Big One is happening to you, right here and right now. Relativity doesn't matter. No matter the crisis--on a glacier or in a driveway--the second rule of the Survivors Club means that your challenge is just as big a deal as anyone else's."

Suffering is not solitary. It is unanimous. We will all face it someday, somehow, in some form. It is unfair and unbalanced. But it is ours to shape. Losing Lucy has opened my eyes to an entire world of varied suffering and survival. At times it can consume me and I have to turn off the news, close the blogs, and walk away and breathe. I don't want it to paralyze me, I want it to connect me...to all of you.

We are all survivors. You may be living next door to a superhero and not know it. The woman checking out your groceries or the librarian or even the drug addict--what incredible stories of survival live in each of them? We are stronger than we know. God's love and power are stronger than we know.

The Survivor's Club, by Ben Sherwood. Go read it. And turn off Glen Beck, he'll give you a headache.


Some of my closest and favorite survivors:

My mom and sister (or is that me?)

Papa

Grandma Gayle

My brother, Taylor

Dear friend, Justin

The most handsome man I've ever been married to.

All of us in this photo have lost children. 7 of us have have given birth, or are about to, since this photo last winter. Incredible women. If you know anyone who has lost a child who would like to join our online community please send me an email.


P.S. My half marathon training is going really well. I'm officially addicted and obsessed with running. The big day is August 8th--Provo River. We had a great 4th and are enjoying our busy summer. Hiking, biking, swimming, bbqs, endless visits from friends and loved ones, incredible weather-- and our darling Peter takes the cake.

Way Back When

Way back when Pedro was a newborn, my friend Alison snapped some wonderful shots of the little Mister. I share them with you now for your viewing pleasure. He is mightily delicious. It's like my friend Lea said the other night about her babe--"I get so scared because sometimes I think I'm really going to eat him...especially his feet-- they're my favorite!"
Tonight's special: Peter a la mode.
Perfect refreshment after my 7 mile run. Wish me luck!(Oy vey!)

IF

If you're on the hunt for the world's cutest baby; look no further:





If you've been wondering what I've been up to:

Training for a half marathon and loving it. I know--you either love to run or you hate it. All I can say is that it is saving me. The parallels between pushing myself physically to accomplish a painful goal and muddling my way through life are so powerful for me. I did my six mile run on Monday and had chills when we finished. I nearly cried, I was so proud. Running is helping me sleep better, be more productive, lose weight, feel better about myself, have more energy, be a better wife and mother, deal with stress and depression---LIFE SAVER. Now if I can just get back into singing and dancing. I'm getting there. You bet I'll be inviting all of you to see me in my next show.


If you're wondering who designed my blog:

A beautiful gal who reads my blog did it as a gift! (I am barely computer literate, are you kidding me?) I have the best readers in the world. Go HERE to see more of what she does. Thanks, Jayna!



If you're wondering HOW I'm doing:

Better. Much better. I still struggle with my sleep but it is getting better. Sunshine and Peter (one and the same) are helping to boost my spirits. Next up on the list of things to try: acupuncture and energy healing. We have clumsily made it over all the first hurdles without Lucy. I still have horrific flashbacks of it all. I still lye awake, unsuccessfully trying to nap, and think to myself, "I LOST A DAUGHTER." I dreamed the other night that I was angry. VERY angry. Enraged. I was yelling and screaming about Lucy dying. At one point I was sitting on the grass with a group of other young moms and cried at the top of my lungs, "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO SEE YOUR CHILD DIE IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES!" So much angst. I could taste it in my bedroom when I awoke. It is obviously not far from the surface and still needs to be worked through. But we are progressing and I'm thrilled to have each day that I do with Vic and Peter.



If you're wondering how Peter is doing:

AMAZING. He is the sweetest, most adorable, most patient, loving little boy. I can't stop kissing him and marveling at him. He is growing like a weed, of course. My little guy is in the 93rd percentile for height and 80th for weight. 16 pounds already and counting! (For those of you who can't tell from our photos--Vic and I are not big people. I'm just shy of 5' 2"). I never knew a baby could be this "easy". His temperament is outstanding. While Lucy was never a colicky baby, she was definitely demanding and high maintenance. Peter is a snuggler and a healer. It amazes me when he coos to me as I sing to him. And even more amazing is the way he so earnestly is trying to tell us something. I've never seen a baby more verbal at such a young age. "He's an angel. An angel straight from heaven." (Raising Arizona, anyone?) But let me throw this out there too--this kid has THE most room clearing gas that only a 12- year old Boy Scout could dream of. He has taken to filling his diaper only once a week. Don't be fooled by the recurring stench. It's Toot City and not Pooperville.



If you have friends and family who have suffered any kind of loss (divorce, miscarriage, death, illness, depression, unemployment--anything!) :

I am in the process of starting a website called Good Grief. Though I will be the main author and host, there will be forums and guest writers-- ranging from professional therapists, Broadway actresses, stay-at-home moms, Grandparents, to successful men in the work force. Watch for it in the coming weeks. My hope is that it will be a healing resource and community... that Lucy's light and story, and the lessons from losing her, will continue to thrive and help all of us on our journey. I want to grieve healthily. I want my grief to be good. To point me towards wholeness.

Here's a sneak peek at the design:




Hand illustrated by Alma Loveland.

The Vickster

Happy Father's Day, honey. We love you more than tongue can tell.

Meet Me in St. Louis

The week leading up to Lucy's birthday was spent in St. Louis with my sister and her son, Jack. Although I suffered a severe case of insomnia and depression while there, Amy and her husband were gracious hosts...and I couldn't get enough of my nephew Jack. He is a ham and a half. As far as Peter goes--he flew like a champ and his cheeks are covered in kisses from his momma day in and day out.

We had a great time visiting the St. Louis Zoo, Botanical Gardens, the many neighborhood parks, going on runs, eating out, and just talking about why I'm so psycho. We still haven't figured it out.

I love my sister.

Uno, Dos, Tres!

My Lucy,

You loved counting to three in Spanish. Dos was your favorite number to say. Today you would be Tres. I wish you were here with us.

Mommy has been very depressed lately...and not sleeping. She misses you terribly. She loves you completely.

I know your beautiful blond curls would be all the way down your back by now. You would be talking up a storm and cracking us up everyday. And singing...oh, what I would give to hear you singing. I don't know how it works, but I have hope that we'll experience all these things with you someday.

Help me, Lucy. Help me be a good mommy to Peter. Help me endure this life well. Help me "Let go and Let God." A part of me died with you and I need help being re-born. My birthday gift to you today is a commitment to keep going despite the crippling emotions that I feel.

The English language is woefully inadequate--there are no words to express my love for you. And thus, no words for my pain and loss. I want to feel whole, I want to feel happy. I want to feel my Lucy.

Happy Heavenly Birthday my dear Lucia--

Mommy Molly

Word

We need to get the word out. We are looking for a renter for our Park City condo. (Actually, what we'd really love is to sell it). If you know of anyone in the area looking to rent or buy at a killer deal, please let us know! Here's the info:

Fantastic condo in Park City nestled next to the mountains with beautiful view:
-2 bedroom 2 bath
-Spacious Master Bedroom and bath with double vanity and walk-in closets
-Jetted tub in master bath
-Large windows with lots of light
-Walk in closets
-Gas Fireplace with rustic log mantle
-Built in bookcases and entertainment center
-Washer and dryer furnished
-Solid knotty alder wood doors and cabinetry
-Wooden blinds
-Over-sized single car garage with plenty of room for storage!
-Enclosed Patio
-Great neighbors!
-Great views
-Super easy (45 seconds out your door) access to loads of hiking/biking/running/snow shoeing trails
-Incredible landscaping with loads of mature trees
-Close to 3 ski resorts--just minutes!
-Close to outlet malls, old town Park City, free bus route and freeway (great location!)
-Unfurnished
-Sorry, no dogs allowed by the HOA

You'll love it here.

RENT: 1,050/month
SELL: $199,000 (another two bed asking 245k)

Email: mollymjackson@gmail.com

Be Still My Soul

Just as we let the balloons go and Nana said, "Goodbye, Lucy", the wind stopped, the rain ceased, the clouds parted, and the sun came out.

So many parallels. So much symbolism.

So hard to do.

I loved wearing her bow. I loved that a beautiful girl with a beautiful family who reads my blog approached me at the store just minutes before heading to the cemetery. She hugged me and cried with me and said sweet things to me. It made my day. She didn't feel like a stranger at all. (Tamarin...right?) I wish I could do the same with all of you.

We were blessed with peace.

365 Days

I miss Lucy. I wish that my life were not absent my little girl. Still, I have felt a sweet spirit this week - that life is good, that it is precious no matter how difficult. I have wondered why I have felt so this week, when my heart is reaching, yearning to bring back, to keep my "old" life. I think that people are praying for us. Thank you. I think that Lucy is keeping watch on us and that while she goes about her work to help others she is also waiting for the day when we can be together again. I listened to our recording of the funeral the other day; her life sketch. She did live a full life in the short time she had. I look forward to sharing more with her. It reminds me that we underestimate the value of our daily experiences. The mundane - eating, breathing, walking, our interactions with others. I promise that I will try to remember. I will do it for you Lucy. I want you to be proud of me. I will take care of Peter. I will tell him about you. I will do what I can to teach him about appreciating this life and living so that we can have eternal life. Come visit us. Help watch over us. I love you my sweet wonderful little girl.

--Lucy's Dad


I can't stop thinking about my final moments with my daughter. Laying on the hospital bed with her in my arms as the surgeon pumped the hand-held ventilator to keep her alive long enough to harvest her organs. I can't believe I had to let her go. I can't believe a human being could ever be capable of something like that. I have now survived 365 days since that horrific parting. Some days I have survived beautifully and gracefully, other days have been an ugly mess. But here we are.

I don't ask this sarcastically--but what is the hardest thing you've had to do?

I love you Lucy and I know that you know that. What a privilege to be your mother. I'm sorry I put off the remembering and the details of you this week--it was too painful. But today I will dive into your soul and let it shine through me. You will always be my booger baby.

--Lucy's Mom

...

All is well.

We just returned from Los Angeles and had a wonderful time seeing old friends, (and surprise visits from family!) sitting on the beach, eating wonderful food, talking, being together as a family, going on walks, attending the temple, and celebrating Vic's birthday. (Which is officially today).

My sister is vacationing in the the Middle East and I miss her.

I fear for this coming Friday. The 22nd of May--how could it possibly be here again?

The crab apple trees are showing their bright pink blossoms and I am remembering....
Remembering things I don't want to remember but have to because I love her. Reality has to be faced eventually. But I must say, angels must be very near because we are surviving quite well. Peter is helping so much.

Two friends lost loved ones in the past week. Lyndi's 21 yr. brother passed away very, very suddenly and unexpectedly, and Emily's former sister- in- law died of a drug overdose at 29. My heart breaks with them.

I promise that life is fragile. I promise you won't regret cherishing everyday. I promise you won't take any earthly possessions with you when you go. I promise that love and kindness are all that matter. I promise.

Time keeps marching.



Happy Birthday, honey bun. I hope you enjoyed your surprise party in L.A. (of course you did, I've asked you a million times..." Were you surprised? Do you love me? Was it fun? Are you happy?") I know it isn't easy having your birthday just two days before Lucy's passing. I know it isn't easy being married to me. But we're going to make it. We are blessed with so many wonderful friends who enrich our lives and carry us through. You deserve so much more than anything I could ever do for you---but I will do my best by loving you with all my liver and lungs. I have no doubt Lucy and Peter are proud to call you Daddy. Just like I'm proud to call you Husband.